Poem: North Star
Body, I’m sorry
I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t listen
The ways in which I caused you pain
Repeatedly, intentionally
Ignoring what you knew was best
Intoxicating you with so much
poison -poison of the mind & the material
I really made you suffer
Body, I’m sorry for starving you &
for over-feeding you, binge purge repeat
For hiding you away under baggy clothes
For always aiming to fit you in the next size down
I’m sorry for always wanting you to be different,
“better” – a metric ever changing
For desiring that you “look like hers” instead
Body, I’m sorry for shaving, waxing
& plucking your gorgeous hairs
For smearing chemicals on your skin
colouring your face with smudges and lines
Natural just wasn’t good enough
Body, I’m sorry for the years of swallowing hormones
and inserting a metal rod in your womb
For feeling deep shame while you bled
as if it were a terrible and embarrassing weakness
to be hidden away
Body, I’m sorry for overriding your exhaustion
and going on and on and on and on….
until you physically brought me to my knees
with nosebleeds & chronic stomach pain
Body, I’m sorry for all the things I thought about you,
that I said to you – in my head and out loud
Not nice things, things I would never say to someone else
Shackling you under heavy chains of “shoulds”
& then throwing away the key
Body, I’m sorry for letting everyone in without your consentT
hat I forced you open when you weren’t ready to receive them
That I used you for power play, bargaining
& ego-stroking, shadow of the darkest feminine
Body, I’m sorry for wanting you to be
smaller, bigger, perkier, smoother, tighter
For never being satisfied with what you
showed me in the mirror or what I felt beneath my hands
Body, I’m sorry I spent so long convinced
we weren’t on the same team
That I felt we were separate
That I felt I could control you
That I felt you would betray me
That you were the enemy
Body, I’m so sorry
What I fool I was
My heart breaks for that
younger version of myself who wasn’t in her power
Who wasn’t of this body
What a waste of time fuelling the fire
of self-destruction & discontent
We’ve been on a long old journey, Body
Ups & downs, highs and lows
I know the truth now
I know now that you are so special, a miracle in fact
So sacred
You are a temple that I worship
One I know will never be perfect
(because perfection is a construct)
& one I have learned to deeply love & appreciate
You, Body, are my body
Strong and soft around the edges
Wise and ancient
Young and still evolving
A home I return to day & night
A voice I can trust to guide me
Whose whispers I can’t now ignore
My North Star
I’m sorry I didn’t know sooner
Please forgive me
I love you
by Fiona McCoss
f you, like me, have a similar journey or are struggling to embody and nourish a deeply fulfilled self relationship, click here to learn about my course SELFLOVER.
